Make a Change

February 25, 2010

"The same describes those who criticize circumstances in their life, but aren't willing to work at changing those situations."

I've already started making my change, but there is still more to go. I'm still not content with where I am and how I feel. I know that I could do better. I could push harder, I could eat better, I could take care of myself more. I was motivated by this quote this morning and then by the end of the night, my motivation slipped off and I started snacking on all my little snacks I have all around me. I think some of this has to do with the fact that I get all the free food I could ever want at work. Seriously, sounds like a wonderful thing, but omg I still get so excited about all the free food that I sort of over load it haha!

I've had other stressers this week like my stupid roommates I have to deal with, and it has been draining me. That along with my half and the back of my knee hurting and... NO-- I will not complain. I'm stopping right now. Even in the midst of whatever is going on in my life, I was still able to get to the gym for strength and core and I was still able to run hills and I was still able to go for a swim in the pool. I still put the work in. Even if I went slower than normal today and even if I just did a swim workout that I wanted to do, I did it. Slow and steady wins the race. Okay, I might not actually "win" the races compared with all the other people out there. But, I will win the race within my self. I will make it to the finish line. I will put the work in now and make a change. I will be different. I will not be the same. I will have no circumstances to criticize if and when I cross that finish line.

Eat, Sleep, Tri, Work

February 24, 2010

"Leadership is doing what is right when no one is watching." - George Van Valkenburg.

God, I need to listen to that statement more. I feel like I've been slipping this week. Yes, it is supposed to be a "rest" week, but I'm eating just as much as I would be during the other weeks. Aka not going a good job at keeping up with everything like my good nutrition "when no one else is watching."

But, I still am keeping up with everything. More than I actually thought I ever could. I went swimming in the middle of the day today-- surprisingly it was beautiful out-- good weather, warm, and sunny. Such a wonderful day to be outside in the pool. We had a workout that was too confusing for me to memorize and I forgot to bring the paper with me, so I just made up my own workout. And what a great workout it was! I mean... if I'm making it myself, of course it's going to be doing things I like :) I know this is bad since I should be working on things I don't like, but you know what, I'm a strong enough swimmer that there's nothing to worry about. On that note, it was so funny tonight at my SB track workout-- I was talking with this one older guy and we started talking about swimming and he was like, "you were in the pool in the lane next to me on Sunday and every few minutes you would just glide past me-- you were like a fish!" Haha, too funny! It sucks because I love swimming and would love to do it more and more, but honestly, if I were to train it all the time and get really good at it, I might shave off 5 minutes of my time. On the other hand, if I start actually riding my bike more, I could cut down hours off my time. Hmmmm, I wonder what I should be doing... Definitely swimming more ;)

Our "recovery" track workout of hard drills and 9 800s somehow doesn't seem like it was all that much of a "recovery" workout. But, to be honest, it really wasn't bad. The most amazing thing is how NOT sore I am from this weekend. Exhausted, yes. Sore, no.

This exhaustion right now is wearing on me... It's already 10pm and I'm not even home yet. I could either a) let this get to me or b) keep a positive attitude about it. Yes, my life is now devoted to this. But, it's something I have accepted. I'm not going to let the fact that I'm never home get to me. I know I barely have time to be at home to do "all the other stuff I want to do." But the reality is, I'm getting to do all the things I want to do. Being on the team with my teammates and working out is better than anything I would do at home. I just have to keep reminding myself of that fact. My life literally has become eat, sleep, tri, work. What a great life :)

New Friends

February 23, 2010

"Ironteam, You guys are so inspiring, and I am so very proud of you. Way to Iron up this weekend!" - Mike K

"WORD!!! You all were a force to be reckoned with! Enjoy your recovery week...it is well deserved! Great job! GO TEAM IRONTEAM!" - Sedonia

"Great Weekend!!! Training for Vineman has been my first experience with TNT….and it has been amazing!! I want to thank the coaches, mentors, honorees and my teammates. You are all very inspiring and I couldn’t imagine traveling this road with a better group of people. Thanks….and bring on Wildflower!!!" - Jim

"I smiled all weekend too. You guys were there with your game faces and your positive attitudes all tuned up. You rocked it!" - Coach Dave

"I just want to say thanks! Thanks to all of you for reminding me why I do this. Your commitment, determination, and enthusiasm makes every moment brighter. You guys rock!" -Tony


These were a few of the responses from emails floating around yesterday and today after our hard, hard, hard bootcamp weekend. The last quote from Tony really sums it up for me. Seriously, going through that weekend with all these amazing people around me, reminds me why I do it also. We are all dying, yet we are dying together. We push each other, we help each other up, we laugh with each other, we yell at each other, we cry with each other, we lean on each other. Although come race day I will technically be out there all on my own, the journey wasn't done alone. Not at all. I couldn't be doing this with each and every one of my teammates. I never never felt such an amazing connection to a team entity before in my life-- and this is after years and years of being a part of sports teams. There is something so special about this group of people that I can feel it within my grasp. Even all our little facebook messages brings a smile to my face and has actually got me to go on facebook more. They help me with every moment of the day. I cannot wait to go through the next five months with them. When I was out there on Saturday and Sunday, smiling away like I do, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I love being a part of this group and how I really cherish being here. I used to be the person who loved to skip practice and try to get out of things. Not anymore. Now, I'm the person looking forward to every practice! I can't believe how quickly this transformation has been and I can't believe how quickly I feel like I have become good friends with such extraordinary people. But, it's true.

When I talk about all these new friends, it's fun because I'm actually friends with both North Bay and South Bay and love them all. Of course they have different vibes and different personalities as a whole, but they are each special in their own way. On Saturday's "North Bay" workout, I told the north bay people what to expect from South Bay's workout. On the "South Bay" workout, I got to hear what they thought of north bay. It's kind of fun in a way because I'm the middle man-- but, I never have to choose sides because I love them both. I'm the luckiest girl on this team for having the opportunity to be a part of two teams.

I went to the South Bay spin practice tonight... Although it's "recovery" week, these recoveries are getting harder and harder. We did a good 50 minute spin-- pushing hard and sweating hard and breathing hard through all the hills. Then off for a 35 minute run-- which was pretty miserable because it was rainy, windy, and freezing cold. Believe me, I didn't particularly want to do that run, but you know what, I did get it in and it went by quick enough. Of course, it went by quickly because of the company I had around me.

As I was leaving the practice, a few people asked me if I would show up for tomorrow night's track workout. Of course, I told them. To me, it's not really an option of skipping these practices ever. Why would I? They are the part of the day that I enjoy more than anything. I enjoy being with my new friends and pushing through this journey with them by my side helping me along.

February 22, 2010

Rest Day. Day of Rest. Recovery. Somewhat.

Surprisingly, I'm not as sore as I thought I would be. Not really sore at all. I just think my body is still exhausted. I needed the rest-- physically and mentally. It was nice to have that thought all day in my mind that I wouldn't allow myself to do anything.

I didn't get a great night of sleep though last night because of my racing heart. Thus, my plan to sleep in till 8am didn't really work. I still got up at 7, which by all standards for me, is still sleeping in. It was nice to actually take a shower at home this morning and get ready. Do my makeup and blowdry my hair without being in a locker room somewhere. How I miss mornings like that...

It Might Kill Me

February 21, 2009

“If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger.”

I don't think I believe that quote anymore. Although I did say that quote out loud today to someone, I have a new perspective... If it almost kills you, it might not make you stronger but actually tear you down...

Day 2 of Boot Camp. South Bay Team Workout. Gunderson High School. 8 straight hours of pushing ourselves to out utmost limits. No breaks, no lunches, no stops besides when we had to change clothes. I loved about 99% of it-- there's that 1% though that killed me.... Let's start at the beginning...
3500m swim. Chill for me. The only annoying part was trying to pass people in the small lane and not really knowing how long our workout was going. It was a solid swim. Quick transition to get our bike gear on-- 19miles in the cold, rain, up hills and down slippery slopes. Although I never actually felt sore from yesterday's workout, once I started on the bike, my legs definitely felt it and told me how tired they were. Since we were riding around the hills of Los Gatos where I grew up (and literally went past the house I grew up in), I knew the hills were steep. Growing up, I never thought I would ride my bike around this area. Oh, how life changes. I definitely breathed heavier today-- the hills, although shorter, were steeper. But, I pushed myself on and on and kept a smile the whole time. I was finishing the bike and thought to myself-- I am literally enjoying every single minute of this! Even though my clothes and bones were soaked to the skin from the rain, nothing deterred my happiness for being out here.

Our longest “break” of the day-- taking 15 minutes between the bike and the run. Not enough time to eat anything substantial, only enough time to get cold before starting out on the 30 min out and back run. Oh wait, that run had a little twist also-- let's do birbies and sit-ups every ten minutes to get some strength in there! In the middle of a run, the last thing you want to do is a pushup, squat, and jump-- repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat and sit ups. But, of course, that's what we were here to do- test out limits and push through. Near the end of the run, my breathing was getting harder and harder. I knew I was going at a pace too fast for me. But, it was nearly the end and I couldn't back off at that point! Thus, I finished strong.

Hop right back on the saddle onto the bike trainer. Spinning time. Hill repeats. Going in the hardest gear and standing. Grimacing in pain. But trudging along and keeping a smile all the way. The coaches started calling me smily sara by that point in the day. Nothing would stop me today :)

To the track for the track workout-- run, strength, run, strength, run, strength, run. Squat jumps, sit ups, lunges, reverse crunches, bleachers, tricep dips, crunches.

Onto the seat again for more bike trainer. One legged spins... hips burning and dying in pain. Not as much as Golnaz's pain, but enough that I couldn't even bring my leg in a circle. More hills. Breathing deep and hard. Trying to drink as much as I could whenever I could. I knew it wasn't enough, but I did my best to keep up. It was a terrible effort of nutrition. Standing in the saddle barely happened. My legs burned and burned but I kept lifting each leg after the other. IronPhil.com was there pushing me on. I kept a smile the whole way. I knew the pain was worth it.

Out to the track again. One lap medium pace (level 5 effort), one lap fast/hard pace (level 7 effort). Break to do crunches. Repeat until they say stop. I started off okay... I could tell my level 5 at this stage of the day was probably the equivalent of my usual level 3 haha! But, the good thing about going by your levels, is that it's all relative. A level 5 is about how hard you're breathing and obviously this changes all the time. It's never a set time. My level 7 laps were slow also, but I was still breathing hard. I was wondering-- can I really be breathing this hard and working this hard and yet still be going fairly slow? Or was something wrong and my body was trying to tell me something.

A few repeated cycles of that went by. Then, I sat down to do my crunches and all of a sudden, within an instant, I couldn't breathe. Literally, gasping for air. Weasing and hissing while sitting down after a very slow lap. I never ever ever leave workouts and in that second, I absolutely had to get up. I got up and walked away from the track to walk around and get my breath. Literally tears were forming in my eyes because I didn't know what was happening and I couldn't breathe. I was starving for oxygen. I'd never felt this feeling my entire life and it scared me and frightened me. Of course everyone noticed and a few people asked if I was all-right, but even though of course I wasn't, I pretended I was. I even tried to go around the track once more. Finally, I got my breathing a little under control. One of the coaches gave me a coke and I ate a granola bar and drank electrolites to try to replenish my body from whatever had just happened to me. The workout still wasn't over so I would have to continue on. Thankfully, the nutrition did help...

Swim cool down for a 1000m. The most perfect cool down for me ever. I went super slow (still faster than most though) and just enjoyed being in the water. It calmed me down so I could forget about my crazy not-being-able-to-breathe episode while I wasn't even doing anything strenuous.

It was 4pm by the end of the workout and we started at 8am. A full 8 hours of working out. I woke up at 5:40am and was getting home around 5:40pm. But, to make my life easier, I went to my parents house in Los Gatos so I wouldn't have to make the haul back up to SF.

I came home and actually got in the cold pool to help my legs recover. No matter how cold I was and how much I wanted to die, I knew it was good for me, so I did it.

Around 8pm-- 4 hours after the workout and 4 hours of doing nothing, my heart was still pounding. I was taking my pulse and it was still up over 90/min. This was not right. I knew something was wrong. I tried to look it up on the internet to see what supplement I should be taking or something, but nothing really correlated with my high heartbeat symptom. And then, I realized what it was. I had had a panic attack. A full on panic attack that I couldn't control.

It was so strange because I never thought I was ever anxious or in a panic-y mood. I was happy with a smile on my face all day long. I wasn't stressing or anything. How do you panic when you aren't paniced? I know what it was... it was my body panicing and telling my brain. Believe me, I have never ever done something so strenuous and so hard for such a long period of time in my entire life. That was beyond pushing my limits. I surpassed them to a point where my body's reaction was to cause panic. If it almost kills you, it might not be that good. It might not make you stronger if you're body isn't ready for it. Although I love my team and loved so much of today, I do believe that a non-stop 8 hour workout was far too much for where we are. I didn't think that at the time and when I was doing it. But as my heart rate is still up at 90, I think something went wrong. It scared me. A lot. I'm afraid of having that feeling again. It was so completely out of my control and literally I didn't even know it was coming. It just attacked me and took the breath away from, literally. I'm not religious or anything and don't pray, but god, I pray it doesn't happen again. I'd like to come away from this experience alive.

I'm going to sleep in and rest tomorrow.

Good night.

Boot Camp Day 1-- Iron Up!

"Iron Up." - A common quote among ironman team participants.

I definitely thought about that quote today out there on boot camp day 1. It was a day of beginning to test our limits. From jumping into freezing freezing cold water to biking up 5 mile long hard inclines to battling the wind from tipping over on your bike on the downhills to panting while walking up the dirt fire-road trails our feet pounded over.

I told myself to "iron up" many times, and many times the only thought that got me through everything was thoughts of Golnaz. My back was killing me on the bike, so I thought back to the days when Golnaz had all those bone marrow procedures in her lower back. I knew that pain was worse than I was facing and I knew that her pain was one that she wouldn't be able to get rid of in a few minutes. So, I pushed harder. And literally, those two thoughts kept me going strong the whole day. Seriously, I was ready for more! I mean, when I first jumped in the water and had to gasp for air it was that cold... and I couldn't even imagine putting my face in the water until after the first buey, by the end, I found my rhythm and really thought I could keep going! With all 3 events, I had fun out there and had a surprisingly huge burst of energy the entire day. I don't think I ever stopped smiling :)

Where is all this coming from??? WTF? Am I really enjoying this???

My legs were tired while biking, but literally while everyone around me on the run started talking about how their legs felt like jello, mine felt great. I don't have that tired feeling going into runs anymore like I used to. I kept a strong pace on the run and had absolutely wonderful people to run with because we just talked and talked and talked the whole entire time and I don't think a 6 mile run has ever gone that fast in my life!!! Even after the practice was over, I was running to my car-- how am I getting all this energy? Yes, I did do a pretty good job at keeping up my nutrition-- aka eating anything and everything I could handle. But, I'm actually finally starting to realize that I'm getting stronger. It's sort of a nice feeling...

The last note... I absolutely love my team!!! South bay and north bay came together today, but I honestly have such a strong bond with the north bay group. I have so much fun with them for some reason and really think that every single person brings something special to the team. South bay also, of course. I can't wait for the next 5 months training with them :)

Things, Things, Things

February 19, 2010

"Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal." Pamela Vaull Starr

The person who wrote the quote above probably wrote what she did because her last name is Starr. Of course there is a star hidden in her soul haha! That was just the first thing I noticed about this quote. Sometimes I like to make fun of quotes more than take them too seriously. I mean, being too serious about everything is too overwhelming.

But, the second part of the quote does speak to me a little more. It's telling me I better start dreaming about this "actually doing an ironman" thing if I really want to accomplish the goal. I'm starting to get to that "dream" phase... maybe this weekend will help... or maybe this weekend will completely destroy me and deter me from everything...

We have our first "boot camp" weekend-- two days of 5-7 hour practices. I cannnnnoooooottttt wait! haha-- please listen to the sarcasm. No, I really am excited for it. I actually think it will be a fun weekend. Challenging, but rewarding. Hard workouts, but fun to be going through it with all my other amazing teammates-- both from north bay and south bay! For once we all get to come together! I'm most excited just to go to the practice and be with everyone.

One thing I hate about triathlons are all the stuff and gear you need!!! Omg it literally took me 2 hours to pack all my things for tomorrow. I need my bike, bike gear (aka helmet, shoes, pumps, etc, etc), so many clothes and extra pairs of clothes, towels, my robe, sandals for the water, wetsuits, booties, tennis shoes, running clothes, goggles, caps, sweatshirts, uggs, nutrition-- shot blocks, power bars, power gels, sandwich, vitamin waters, waters, carbo pro drink, brush, hats, body glide, deodorant, etc, etc etc. OMG!!!! Seriously, I think the sport of triathlon needs to just chill with all this stuff haha!

Another thing... it's sooo expensive. Seriously, I spend $300 a month (AT LEAST) in order to pay for everything. There are always new things you need-- more bike clothes, new cleats, new helmet, booties for the water, swimsuits, garmin watch (not necessary for me), bike clock thingy, tires and tubes, new running shoes, getting fitted on a bike, bike trainer-- the list goes on forever and ever!! I just want to go out on my bike and ride. Or put a pair of shoes on or a swimsuit and go for a run or a swim. Sometimes the whole process of starting the workout takes up just as much time.

I could have funded my entire fundraising for this triathlon if I didn't have to spend so much money on all the things I need to get me across that finish line... I guess one day soon, I'll look back and say it was all worth it :)