It Might Kill Me

February 21, 2009

“If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger.”

I don't think I believe that quote anymore. Although I did say that quote out loud today to someone, I have a new perspective... If it almost kills you, it might not make you stronger but actually tear you down...

Day 2 of Boot Camp. South Bay Team Workout. Gunderson High School. 8 straight hours of pushing ourselves to out utmost limits. No breaks, no lunches, no stops besides when we had to change clothes. I loved about 99% of it-- there's that 1% though that killed me.... Let's start at the beginning...
3500m swim. Chill for me. The only annoying part was trying to pass people in the small lane and not really knowing how long our workout was going. It was a solid swim. Quick transition to get our bike gear on-- 19miles in the cold, rain, up hills and down slippery slopes. Although I never actually felt sore from yesterday's workout, once I started on the bike, my legs definitely felt it and told me how tired they were. Since we were riding around the hills of Los Gatos where I grew up (and literally went past the house I grew up in), I knew the hills were steep. Growing up, I never thought I would ride my bike around this area. Oh, how life changes. I definitely breathed heavier today-- the hills, although shorter, were steeper. But, I pushed myself on and on and kept a smile the whole time. I was finishing the bike and thought to myself-- I am literally enjoying every single minute of this! Even though my clothes and bones were soaked to the skin from the rain, nothing deterred my happiness for being out here.

Our longest “break” of the day-- taking 15 minutes between the bike and the run. Not enough time to eat anything substantial, only enough time to get cold before starting out on the 30 min out and back run. Oh wait, that run had a little twist also-- let's do birbies and sit-ups every ten minutes to get some strength in there! In the middle of a run, the last thing you want to do is a pushup, squat, and jump-- repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat and sit ups. But, of course, that's what we were here to do- test out limits and push through. Near the end of the run, my breathing was getting harder and harder. I knew I was going at a pace too fast for me. But, it was nearly the end and I couldn't back off at that point! Thus, I finished strong.

Hop right back on the saddle onto the bike trainer. Spinning time. Hill repeats. Going in the hardest gear and standing. Grimacing in pain. But trudging along and keeping a smile all the way. The coaches started calling me smily sara by that point in the day. Nothing would stop me today :)

To the track for the track workout-- run, strength, run, strength, run, strength, run. Squat jumps, sit ups, lunges, reverse crunches, bleachers, tricep dips, crunches.

Onto the seat again for more bike trainer. One legged spins... hips burning and dying in pain. Not as much as Golnaz's pain, but enough that I couldn't even bring my leg in a circle. More hills. Breathing deep and hard. Trying to drink as much as I could whenever I could. I knew it wasn't enough, but I did my best to keep up. It was a terrible effort of nutrition. Standing in the saddle barely happened. My legs burned and burned but I kept lifting each leg after the other. IronPhil.com was there pushing me on. I kept a smile the whole way. I knew the pain was worth it.

Out to the track again. One lap medium pace (level 5 effort), one lap fast/hard pace (level 7 effort). Break to do crunches. Repeat until they say stop. I started off okay... I could tell my level 5 at this stage of the day was probably the equivalent of my usual level 3 haha! But, the good thing about going by your levels, is that it's all relative. A level 5 is about how hard you're breathing and obviously this changes all the time. It's never a set time. My level 7 laps were slow also, but I was still breathing hard. I was wondering-- can I really be breathing this hard and working this hard and yet still be going fairly slow? Or was something wrong and my body was trying to tell me something.

A few repeated cycles of that went by. Then, I sat down to do my crunches and all of a sudden, within an instant, I couldn't breathe. Literally, gasping for air. Weasing and hissing while sitting down after a very slow lap. I never ever ever leave workouts and in that second, I absolutely had to get up. I got up and walked away from the track to walk around and get my breath. Literally tears were forming in my eyes because I didn't know what was happening and I couldn't breathe. I was starving for oxygen. I'd never felt this feeling my entire life and it scared me and frightened me. Of course everyone noticed and a few people asked if I was all-right, but even though of course I wasn't, I pretended I was. I even tried to go around the track once more. Finally, I got my breathing a little under control. One of the coaches gave me a coke and I ate a granola bar and drank electrolites to try to replenish my body from whatever had just happened to me. The workout still wasn't over so I would have to continue on. Thankfully, the nutrition did help...

Swim cool down for a 1000m. The most perfect cool down for me ever. I went super slow (still faster than most though) and just enjoyed being in the water. It calmed me down so I could forget about my crazy not-being-able-to-breathe episode while I wasn't even doing anything strenuous.

It was 4pm by the end of the workout and we started at 8am. A full 8 hours of working out. I woke up at 5:40am and was getting home around 5:40pm. But, to make my life easier, I went to my parents house in Los Gatos so I wouldn't have to make the haul back up to SF.

I came home and actually got in the cold pool to help my legs recover. No matter how cold I was and how much I wanted to die, I knew it was good for me, so I did it.

Around 8pm-- 4 hours after the workout and 4 hours of doing nothing, my heart was still pounding. I was taking my pulse and it was still up over 90/min. This was not right. I knew something was wrong. I tried to look it up on the internet to see what supplement I should be taking or something, but nothing really correlated with my high heartbeat symptom. And then, I realized what it was. I had had a panic attack. A full on panic attack that I couldn't control.

It was so strange because I never thought I was ever anxious or in a panic-y mood. I was happy with a smile on my face all day long. I wasn't stressing or anything. How do you panic when you aren't paniced? I know what it was... it was my body panicing and telling my brain. Believe me, I have never ever done something so strenuous and so hard for such a long period of time in my entire life. That was beyond pushing my limits. I surpassed them to a point where my body's reaction was to cause panic. If it almost kills you, it might not be that good. It might not make you stronger if you're body isn't ready for it. Although I love my team and loved so much of today, I do believe that a non-stop 8 hour workout was far too much for where we are. I didn't think that at the time and when I was doing it. But as my heart rate is still up at 90, I think something went wrong. It scared me. A lot. I'm afraid of having that feeling again. It was so completely out of my control and literally I didn't even know it was coming. It just attacked me and took the breath away from, literally. I'm not religious or anything and don't pray, but god, I pray it doesn't happen again. I'd like to come away from this experience alive.

I'm going to sleep in and rest tomorrow.

Good night.